Empty inside

Contrary to what I thought would happen, living with the unsuccessful ivf with donated eggs is not getting any easier with time. Instead I grow increasingly passive and can feel the effect it has had on my general state of mind.
In a matter of seconds I go from a general good mood to heart wrenching tears and sadness. Having had a history with depression, I worry about sinking in to a black hole again. This time I do have a better check system. My darling T is very sensitive to changes in my mood and will ask me straight up.
It has happened that I have denied feeling depressed, even when I was aware of my state of mind. My reasoning then was that I couldn't put into words exactly why and instead of trying to explain it badly, I chose to just swallow my sadness.

Anyway, my feeling towards our next try at becoming parents is a little contradicted, one side can hardly wait to get started again, while the other side of me want to avoid getting this upset again and want to just "bury my head in the sand".

We got a new list of donors from the clinic the other day, since our doctor seem to think we might have a better chance of success if we "start over" with fresh embryos instead of risking getting nothing if neither of the two "Eskimos" survive defrosting.
I tend to agree, but the thought of spending that much time in Estonia again and this time it will be even colder there, is not very appealing.
I do like the little town of Tartu, but the activities are limited. At least this time we could be better prepared and bring laptops and network cables... It was a little inconvenient only to be able to surf down in the lobby...

This is enough for now, have to take the dog out for his last walkie. Enclosing his picture... :)
Tjing!