Feeling awful

Changing language here, just because it is easier for me to express my pain in my second language. It's a way to distance myself from it, but also a way of being succinct.

I feel I have been cheated out of so many things in life, most of the time I'm the one making poor choices and setting myself up to fail.
If I had been more decisive when I was younger I would not have let myself get trampled on.
I wish I would have had the guts and chutzpah I possess now back then, what a difference that would have made on the direction of my life.

Then again, I couldn't be sure I would have met the love of my life and I didn't want to have missed that! One can argue that we were meant to find each other but through circumstances and poor choices it didn't happen until I started to untangle the mess I had made out of my life.

Anyway, what I am getting at is that we got started way late with children, but we only met two and a half year ago.
Once we made contact we both knew we wanted to at least try and start a family. We never imagined it would be this difficult and that we would need outside help to do it.
And still there are many variables to consider. Like my body's ability to actually accept the embryo and carry it to term.
The fact that I lost two perfectly good embryos after only a few weeks, may not give a whole lot of information to work with, but it begs the question: what else is wrong with me or the embryos?

My friend Circus Princess, said her doctor told her that one fourth of all embryos have chromosome defects and are not viable. Well, I lost both embryos that were implanted - how does that work? I'm playing the numbers game here, and since my math is lacking some in logic because we are working with statistical numbers here.

I'm blaming God for this, and this is not the first time he has left me in a lurch. What deper meaning could there possibly be in this? Why can't I get what I have longed for my entire adult life?
When my dad first got sick, I prayed and at first it seemed like he would come out okay, and as soon as I let out a sigh of relief, he took a turn for the worse and eventually died. I was seventeen…
Same thing happened this time, I prayed that both or at least one embryo would take hold and low and behold. My beta hcg-levels came out strong and slowly I dared to believe that I was pregnant.

About two weeks ago I started bleeding, first clotty and sticky stuff. Then it went a way for a day and a half, before starting again, this time it was less sticky and a lot more of it. I bleed all evening, a little less with every passing hour.
For the next week it was but a slow trickle of blood that I was combating with extra Progesteron. Last weekend it all went away and I was relieved since I still had symptoms of pregnancy and they had evolved. I thought I was safe.
Imagine my surprise at the doctor's office when she says "No, I can't see anything… it is empty… you must have bled it all out…"
We were stunned, or at least I was, especially since I had started to believe in my pregnancy!

So here I am crushed, and disappointed in this failure of a body and even more disappointed in God!
How can I ever be sure of anything again? I feel so betrayed and to some extent I feel stupid to actually have dared to believe I was going to get what I have dreamed of my whole adult life - to be a mom…