Nice outing

Just came home from a nice outing with some other ed-ivf moms my age! We're calling ourselves Latte Moms! This, even though most of us are still only expecting - I'm the one with the shortest pregnancy time under my belt. Three of them are just about due and two others are 'proper' Moms and had brought their little babies! So me and another woman have a little ways to go, she is two months ahead of me! I was the only one there expecting twins. There is one more woman expecting twins on the list we all have met through, but she wasn't there today.

Anyways, we met at a café and had a very nice time, they were still chatting away when I and one of the Moms left.
It was great getting some advice and just hearing the others tell about their experiences with all kinds of things, from baby carriages to birthing processes…

A great bunch of women and I appreciate their knowledge and experiences a lot!

Second ultrasound

Today's ultrasound showed two equally sized embryos at 10-11 mm long with strong heartbeats.
Next baby-related appointment is in two weeks and it's the registration appointment with the midwife, where all my maternity care will be planned out!

I have posted the picture my ob/gyn printed of both babies!

First official appointment

Today was my very first appointment with my midwife! She was very nice and I'm happy that she is experienced with both regular IVFs as well as eggdonation IVFs! :)
She went over what the near future will look like in terms of appointments with her and a doctor. She also asked me some questions regarding the treatment in Estonia! I told her our "story" such as it is!
This is exciting on a whole new level!

Next appointment is in only a couple of weeks and that's the big one with the registration (weighing, measuring, family health history) and we will get the detailed plan laid out for us!

Hooray!

Today we went to my doctor's office and got some really good news!
She found two sacks, one small and one larger, and heartbeats in both of them! In the smaller one the heartbeat was visible immediately but in the larger one she had to search a little, but we saw it at the same time!

I can't believe I'm expecting twins! :)
It's a surreal feeling, for sure!
Still, with the m/c of the last try still fairly fresh in our minds we are cautiously optimistic. We got a new appointment for an ultrasound in two weeks. That may calm our worries a little!

I guess it's time to make an appointment with a maternal clinic now! :)

As a celebration my spouse and I went to town to check out some sports gear and some more flatware!
Came home with two t-shirts, socks and a cap! And another set of 6 place settings of our chosen flatware pattern!:)
My sweetie also bought some things, of course!

We had tex-mex for lunch!

Getting scared

With every twinge and pinch in my stomach, I almost go into a full-blown panic.
Tomorrow is the day I started bleeding out toward my miscarriage the last time… I'm scared to death to loose this pregnancy too!
My pregnancy symptoms are much stronger and the hCG levels were twice as high this time around, but see in the light of the fact that I may be the reason for the mf this means absolutely nothing!

'm still waiting for my good-for-nothing (I'm exaggerating) ob/gyn to call me with the results of my genetics test. It's been over a week and I would really like to know if I need to start with more medication NOW!
Unfortunately, doctors that are willing to help us women doing treatment abroad with prescriptions, testing and referrals, are far and few between. So choosing a new doctor is next to impossible!

In one week we will have seen at least the gestational sacks, but hopefully also one or two little tiny hearts beating!
I'm keeping my hopes up!

Good results

Found out the beta hCG results yesterday - only because I called myself, maybe the nurse would have called me eventually, but I wanted to be sure so I called before they closed their switchboard for the day.
The number was incredibly good: 540 - that's much faster doubling time than last time! Then it went from 96 on RD11 to 662 on RD15. This time it was 174 on RD11 and 540 on RD13! :)

I'm a happy and pregnant camper again, hoping everything will work out this time.
There still the nagging fear of having a miscarriage and I'm going to opt out on the company trip to Gotland next weekend. That is the same time I had the last miscarriage!
I am taking it slow and try to lie down and rest a couple of times a day. I am so stoked that the numbers are high!

Relieved beyond belief

After the bleeding scare on Friday and then the horrible 3-day wait for the result of the first beta hCG - I am now very relieved. The test showed a beta hCG of 174. I am still not 100 percent certain it is still a viable pregnancy, that is up to the second beta hCG to determine.
Anyway, this morning I couldn't take waiting any longer and used my fancy digital pregnancy test that tells you what week you are in. It quickly showed Pregnant and after the time was almost up it said 2-3 weeks, which in reality means week 5-6. Today I'm 4+1.

The beta hCG was taken on dpo13 both this and the first time, but it was almost twice as high this time! :)
Hooray!

Feeling sick

I am sick with worry, so much that I am feeling extremely nauseous!
Feel like I could throw up at will - I'm sorry but it doesn't seem like a pregnancy symptom.
I've been crying and pacing all morning. I even called and left a message on my doctor's answering machine that I need to find out the test result on the beta hCG as soon as possible!

I feel like I'm dying here - now I'm really taking out the pain in advance without the certainty of the test results.
One reason I'm doing that is because I read some symptoms of miscarriage in a pregnancy book and I have or have had pretty much all of them since Friday…

I don't want a bunch of pity calls - I just want to find out the results. And if it's bad news, I just want to be left alone!

Waiting... still

Now the wait has intensified - had a bleeding on Friday and afterwards it felt like my uterus was empty. At least to begin with, then it felt like I had a rock in my gut, then it felt empty again,then I had small pangs of pain by each ovary but not at the same time... Well, I have cycled through a bunch of more confusing feelings regarding this over the weekend.

Today, I've been to the lab and taken both my tests all I have to do now is to wait! :(
I hate waiting - especially since I may have to wait until tomorrow for the result of the hCG-test, at the very best I might find that out this afternoon. The other test, checking if I'm predisposed to blood clots, I don't know how long I have to wait for that result! Maybe a whole week? Who knows…

Waiting for... not Godot...

But a high beta HCG! I will test on Monday, but I'm pretty sure that I'm pregnant again. Just want make sure I stay that way! I still hadn't heard anything from my ob/gyn so I just called to make sure they had gotten my fax, see I need them to send some referrals for beta HCG, but also one to test the genetic predisposition for blood clots! That one is the most important one, I want to take my body out of the equation and hopefully not have another miscarriage. One was hard enough.

My symptoms thus far: a steady twinge in my groin, a good kind of tummy ache, tiredness and a little dizzieness.

Just got called back by my ob/gyn's nurse and I can come pick up my referrals today!
I won't have a chance to take my test until Monday so I'll do both beta-HCG and the APC resistance test at the same time!

It will be interesting to find out the HCG level! :)

All done!

So yesterday was ET and we found out that the harvest was good! The donor gave us nine very good embryos and two of those were placed in my womb! I saw the embryos on the ultrasound screen and they were like two little grains of rice!
According to the doctor they are of very good quality a 4(1) and a 5(1-2) and they are hopefully burrowing themselves into my uterine wall!

A less positive piece of news is the fact that the doctor acted surprised when I mentioned the blood clot I had 20 years ago. I have told him this before, you see!
And then he wanted me to take tests to exclude me having a genetic predisposition toward blood clots. So now I have to convince one of my doctors to prescribe it. One of my online friends went to her regular doctor and told him she wanted to have the test done before paying over 60000 SEK for her next IVF-ED treatment. He agreed and let her take the test!

See, the problem here is that Swedish medical personel is not supposed to give us women that do fertility treatments abroad ANY help with prescriptions, tests and ultrasound exams. Sucks big time and I think it is grounds for discrimination!

Anyway, now I'm sitting in the hotel room that we have for one more hour and then we have six hours to kill until the airport shuttle pick us up and take us to the tiny little airport...
This town is currently plagued with fat and hungry mosquitos so besides the long wait I have to fight those litte buggers too!

In place

We are now in place in Tartu, Estonia and yesterday my darling did his thing, the donor was harvested and the eggs met the little swimmers! We have no idea of the results and will not until tomorrow at the time of the embryo transfer.

The flight over was uneventful and by the looks of it the flight home on Friday night will be easy as well. The ash cloud has diminished in size and has moved south through central Europe. It should be of no consequence for us on Friday!

The saddest part about this trip is being away from the dog, I love him like a mother loves a child. I've had him since he was only about nine weeks old. Just watched two 1-minute films my ex-husband shot of me and Maffe (Manfred) shortly after taking him home from the breeder's!

So now I'm obsessing over the full-bladder-thing, again! Can hardly believe we are here again and that it's time for another try…
I'm starting to get apprehensive about the results already. Another thing that is worrying me is the possibility of getting other kinds of bad news.
Should maybe put my mind in auto-pilot and not think at all!

Ashes, ashes…

Since we got stuck in Madrid because of that darn Icelandic volcano, we are more than a little weary about our flight to Tartu, Estonia on Monday afternoon!
Currently the prognosis is good and we don't expect the ash cloud becoming a problem, at least not for the flight out and going home we are much more flexible!
Right now only packing of our stuff for the trip and Manfred's for his stay at his "auntie's" is remaining!

Oh, yeah! One more interesting thing from the document from the doctor: while "brooding" on the embryos, I'm not to discuss and ponder the possible outcome with my spouse, because the embryos need peace!
I almost fell down laughing!
How on God's green earth am I going to not think of what may or may not be growing inside my womb?! Pray, tell!

Final marching orders

Went to my doctor's on Wednesday to do the last vaginal ultrasound before the trip east and the ET.
Everything looked really great, the endometrium was a whopping 9 mm and the cyst that caused a lot of worry is almost completely gone!
This morning I received my final ordination and this time I received a document with instructions how to behave before and after the embryo has been put in place.
Last time I only got some few sentences in an email and a verbal instruction regarding how to live afterwards.
The first part of this written instruction concerns the worst part of the actual ET, how to make sure my bladder is full when I come to the clinic, however not too full! I can say right away that the way it is described will not work for me... First emptying it and then filling it up with one liter of water THREE hours before ET and then possibly fill it up further two hours later. I can only fill up a little at a time, maybe I can try and drink that liter of water in the last hour before the treatment...
I'm going to conduct some tests to ascertain how best to fulfill my obligation! :)
I hope this will take care of my anxiety in regards to the whole embryo transfer ordeal!
I say ordeal because this whole thing is a little stressful.

Adventures galore

O'boy have I been on some adventures lately.
Both in my physical life and in my ED-IVF life!
Two weeks ago we went to Madrid, Spain for a little mini-vacation. We should have known something should go wrong when we came to the airport and most flights where cancelled and out of the rest most where delayed, like our flight.
This darn ash cloud coming from the Icelandic volcano almost grounded our flight too. The Stockholm airport closed about the same time we landed in Madrid and it remained closed for several days.
The end result was that we got stuck in Madrid and all other transportation options, which were slim pickings to begin with, filled up very quickly.

We came on a Thursday and were supposed to go home Sunday the same week. I was supposed to take an injection with medicine to down regulate me - to suppress my own cycle. This injection was left at home, because while packing the Tuesday and Wednesday before there were no indications of this airline snafu!
So, after som major circus moves and angry, disappointed hours, we finally figured out that since we were in Spain most medications are sold over-the-counter, w/o prescriptions... Anywho as soon as that problem was solved, we focused on finding transportation home, something that would take us home no matter what. Our airline tickets were re-booked for the next-coming Friday, but it was in no way a sure thing that the plane would take off and what policy the airline was going to adopt!
With the help of my close friends and some of our family members back in Sweden we got hold of other stranded people and it was decided as many as we could find would go to the Swedish Embassy the next day and see what possible assistance they could give us.
I had decided to let others have a go at arranging our common journey home, but after a little while of a lot of talk but no action, I couldn't help myself and called the most interesting lead for arranging a bus to come to Madrid and take us home.

To make a long story short, what started with a couple of mini vans coming to pick us up in Madrid ended up a full-grown double-decker bus. What probably made nobody interested in being in charge was the shear number of potential people calling and wanting to go with. The embassy finally accepted some responsibility and agreed to handle the list of names for the ride!
The person at the embassy that we had the most contact with Eva, had thought about our situation with medications and suggested we just pop in at a pharmacy and ask for the stuff we needed. She even offered to come with and translate, since neither of us speak any Spanish to speak of, but another of the stranded people came with and helped me out!

When we finally came home, after a 50+ hour ride on a bus w/ an unusable on-board toilet (first because it was full and disgustingly dirty, and after emptying it at the Spain-France border just dirty and yucky).
The bus ride in itself was an adventure that I'm too lazy to recap this late afterward. Maybe if I'd had internet access during the bus ride I could have commented all things live, but alas...

The next adventure was more of an emotional roller coaster than anything else. After taking the down-regulating injection on the scheduled day, I got my period only about a week after - last time it was two - and at the ultrasound exam a couple of days later a cyst was discovered on the same ovary as before only this time it was almost twice as big as the last time. After some disagreement between my two doctors regarding what to do next, I took a blood test (Estradiol/E2 or in Swedish Östradiol) to find out whether I was down-regulated or not. If I wasn't the whole treatment was in jeopardy!
As it turns out I am down-regulated and the treatment is going ahead as planned!

I am so sick of thinking about all this and so sick of the side effects - like being emotional, so emotional that I start crying at the drop of a hat! I also dislike feeling nauseous - like when I was pregnant only it's worse now...

I hope this all goes well, at least it has been proven that I CAN get pregnant, I hope there are no more hurdles for us to go over...

Back on track

Finally we have our "marching orders"! ET is scheduled to May 19 or 20, probably 20, and the road there will be looong and filled with timers and pills… worst of all is the fat-needled injection to down-regulate my body on April 19.
I'm waiting for myself to get as excited about the treatment as I was last time, excited enough that I don't care about the 'heavy lifting!'

Alas, that may or may not happen, clouds are gathering on the family horizon. My aunt has been taken to the hospital. I have shut her out of my life just because I'm not strong enough to deal with her problems along side my own. She has refused any kind of help, she's too proud to accept help, this has made me even more negative towards her. I have not expressed this to her, instead I have just not been in touch!
These last couple of days I have been thinking about writing her a letter to explain how I feel to her, but since she was admitted confused and dazed, I will hold off on that.
In my family we don't have any practice at what to do when things like this happens, our contact and feelings for our extended family is impersonal. We don't dash off to the hospital and sit by the bedside like they do in movies and tv series. It just feels backwards and wrong - I don't want to call the hospital and I can't leave it be either.

My brother is handling the initial contact with hospital and social services - thank God for that! I just can't do this!

This will have to do, I'm publishing it w/o a read through so bare with me!
Thanks for listening --

Already feeling it

It as in crabby and irritated. I feel it as a gnawing pit in my stomach, with a touch of anxiety! If I didn't know better I'd say I was depressed, but just right now and it may be over in a few moments.
On my morning dog walk I reacted badly to people with strollers, not on the outside just on the inside! Sad, huh?!

Now, what I'm going through is nothing to what my friend, Circus Princess, is going through! CP - I sure hope things work out and soon. I would hate to be in your shoes!

In this writing instant, I don't feel so great - I just want to crawl under the covers and come out when I feel better… Or, maybe I shouldn't have written and published this at all, but then what is this blog good for!?

I suppose the format of my blog is changing…

At last

At last it's here! I have never been so pleased to get my period. Not even my last one, which was the first one after the m/c.
This morning I started on the estrogen pills. Still not sure what the entire treatment will look like, but hopefully the doctor will share that now.

This will be a very brief update, but one filled with some hope!

Until later.
Tjing -

Waiting, waiting - going crazy - waiting, waiting...

This waiting game is killing me - my patience is wafer thin at the moment. I'm on cycle day 36!!! That would be about 12 days passed my normal date - but nothing has been normal since before the ET...
But at least I'm doing something about it - I'm seeing my acupuncture clinic. Once last week and the next appointment is tomorrow.

Still, this is driving me nuts - I'm not cut out for waiting - it stresses me to no end! When I was younger I was always at least 15 minutes before any appointed time (except for getting to school), mostly I was earlier than that. Only eventually sitting in a waiting room, say at the dentist's, nearly killed me with all those "what if" scenarios. So I eventually started with the "just-in-time" system instead, where my focus could be on getting to my appointment instead of what would happen if the person I was meeting didn't show up and it turned out to be my mistake...
If I wasn't 'there' first I didn't have to think about - "am I in the right place", "is this the correct time"... I was so afraid of making a mistake or being called stupid for not having the correct information!

Then again sitting in waiting rooms have taught me a whole lot about peoples behavior and body language.
Very early on I learned how to use this knowledge to my advantage, to project with my body language what I wanted other people to do or where to go.
The dynamic between people is very interesting and I focused on getting the smoothest 'ride' whenever interacting with people in general, and strangers specifically!

Anyway, I hope you can see the pattern from days gone by, I nearly already lost my way in my own web of words. %-{

In short - I don't do well with waiting around for something outside my control to happen!
So if you have a dance, but instead of calling for rain, you can call for my Bloody Monster, as my friend Circus Princess calls it, please dance it! Dance your heart out for me so I can start taking estrogen pills and get this show on the road!

Tjing -

Calming down

Seeing as I forgot to mention a bunch of stuff yesterday because I was so upset, I feel the need to explain and expand a little.
I sort of couldn't see the forest for the treas. Instead I went ballistic at the first hint of delay. The delay is probably no worse than two or three weeks later than original, but since it's in a different month it feels a lot longer. I know I shouldn't be in such a rush, but time is flying by and I'm not exactly getting any younger.

Anyway, the Estonian doctor is now having me go on Estrogen pills on the first day of my next period, which will be in 1-2 weeks. At first that had me confused too and also set my temper on fire. I thought I was going to be on Estrogen and only that until time for ET and that this was some kind of odd down regulation.
On the contrary this is just some way of synchronizing me with the donor and I will have another period before ET - I suppose a second period between now and ET. It is also my supposition that the second one will be my down regulation period.

Did some research online and figured out that a combination of estrogen and progesteron can be used as a way of synchronizing the recipient to the donor's cycle.

Also, got a letter from the doctor's nurse/administrator, her English is much better, and she was really sweet and said we could contact the clinic whenever we have questions or worries. So if/when I do I will email her directly!!!
Tomorrow I will call my Swedish doctor's office and let them know the ordinations and get the prescriptions in place.

So in early May we will do another attempt at becoming parents! May the Schwartz be with us! ;)

Tjing -

Finally some news

Not sure where to start, so let's start at the beginning, of sorts.
Went to see my ob/gyn today to make sure I'm okay and see if she could help me figure out where I am in my cycle.
So she did an ultrasound and based on the look of the uterine lining and when I had my strange period last, determined I'm most likely on day 16 of my menstrual cycle.
So as I was preparing an email to the clinic with this information, the Estonian doctor emailed me to say they have received our money…
So I just reply to that email and insert my information.
Back comes a reply that ET will be first part of May - WTF!!!! May?!
I want to do this now! Not wait another month!

Is more than a little miffed! :(

Tjing -

All paid up and waiting

So, now we have transferred the money and all we can do now is to wait for funds to reach the clinic! I don't think I'll hear anything until then, which means no instructions, no planning opportunity until next week at the earliest... :(

On Tuesday I have an appointment to see my ob/gyn, I went ahead and made an appointment, maybe she can reassure me that I'm doing alright! Finally stopped spotting completely a few days ago. Started with a pale, pinkish and spotty bleed on Feb 15-16. that almost disappeared and then reappeared on Feb 21. with a much thicker consistency and darker red color, but still only in squirts that slowly fizzled out into spotting this last weekend and disappeared completely March 2. Very weird and it makes it hard to figure out when the next menstruation will actually come.
Icky details, I know and I'm a little bit sorry to share it but that is what is on my mind right now!

This Sunday my darling is doing a cross country ski race, probably one of the most famous ones in the world, Vasaloppet. He leaves tomorrow morning and gets back on Monday!
Meanwhile I'm having a few girlfriends over on Saturday for some food and good company! We have been friends since our early teens and was always close, even when not in contact w/ each other. So this will be special!

I'm out of writing inspiration now so I this will be enough for now!

Tjing -

Doctors drive me crazy!

So I got a response back from the doctor in Estonia, but it only made me angry because it did not answer my question. I suppose it is too much to ask for to get a more explanatory and informative answer, since English is clearly not his thing. Put why is it so hard to explain the different steps in the process and what parts of the treatments are more critical than others.

Anyway, I started writing this angry reply, where I took the opportunity to explain a few misconceptions he seems to be under. Of course I haven't sent it and I probably never will, but it felt damn good to get it out of my system.
Here in Sweden it's not too common to have your own ob/gyn, most women call the local women's clinic and make an appointment to see what ever midwife or doctor is available. That of course means there's no one person that know your medical history.
Besides, there seem to be some resistance within the medical community towards helping us "oldies" get pregnant with the help of egg donation.

All I want is that the doctor pays attention and consults his journals before emailing a half-cocked response. That's what I would do if I was a doctor!
We are going ahead with everything, but to be safe I just called my Swedish doctor and got an appointment to get checked out. It's over a week away, but I'd rather be safe than sorry.

Now my stuffy head is requiring some attention - until later!
Tjing -

Speeding along

So much has happened in the last week. My period showed at last, but not when I thought - that must have been a precursor bleeding or perhaps the old uterine lining letting go!
The real period started this last Saturday and is bleeding almost in the same fashion as the lighter bleed, in spotty squirts.
Last Friday on my second out of seven days off, I took the train to see my friend Circus Princess while she's her visit to Sweden. We met in Gothenburg had lunch, walked and talked while checking out stores, I went with her to her dr's visit to check her follicle progress. She is also on the road toward motherhood and second to my spouse, my biggest supporter in my/our fight to become a mother.
After her appointment we started walking back towards the train station and found this delightful café on the "Aveny" called Condeco, I highly recommend it!

I started feeling sick on the morning of this trip with a sore throat, on the train ride home, the fever and sniffles started.
On Saturday morning I was completely under the weather and from there it kind of snowballed into this flu I'm now suffering from.
I think I bottomed out yesterday, but I still have a fever and now all the infected crap is slowly moving out of my body, by coughs, sniffles and sneezes.

We have been in touch with the Estonian clinic and as soon as we pay up the donor and I will get our treatments scheduled. And then, and only then will we know for sure if it will work at all. Or like the doctor put it if I "will have the right reactions to the medication."
So until we pay and start we won't know for sure if this will work at all.
Right now we are a little worried about what happens if it turns out that I'm not reacting to the meds' especially with the financial part. Do we have to pay again?

Anyway, I emailed the doctor my question, so I guess I'll find out soon enough.
Right now I have to take the dog out.

Tjing-

Guess "she" is here after all

After consulting some of my fellow egg donation acquaintances at Familjeliv.se I have deemed this thing pink-looking, watery excuse of a period of being my actual period.
Apparently, I may have done my "leftover mc" bleeding at the time of the mc, and having come off the hormone medications may have really done a number on it.

So, I have emailed my Estonian doctor and asked him what he think about it. I'm pretty sure this is the starting point of round two! :)
I'm very excited! I attribute the starting of my period to one of the other women in my ED forum performing a virtual "menstruation-dance" (looked very much like an indian rain dance) and to my own hard workout at the gym yesterday!

Every Tuesday, except when I have the evening shift at work, me and my spouse take a Phys class at the gym called Challenge. It is sooo tough, but sooo fun - because the day after you find muscles you didn't know you had! :D
I have a love-hate relationship with this class.

Anyway, I suppose we will soon be asked to pick our donator and pay the clinic! Positive, but I wish it wasn't so darn expensive...

Later,
Tjing-

Finally some progress... or?

Last night as I was getting ready for bed I discovered pink-red in my panties! I was very relieved. Then this morning the pad was empty and nothing transferred to the tp either - that got me a little worried, or at least troubled me some. Can't things happen with a bang rather than a whisper or hint...
All the what ifs have played in my head since this morning. I don't even know where to start on those so I'll leave it all together.

At least I feel like my period is en-route, with the dull pain in my hips and general tiredness and foul mood! :)

Today, Valentine's Day - All Hearts Day (in Swedish), I'm spending at work... that is blaaah! I could really have used some celebration and stuff in my life right now. All this waiting is not something I deal with very well. Being in limbo makes me completely crazy and depresses me. I need to be moving forward, however slow, it MUST be forward or I easily regress into the old depressed and disheartened me!

Anywho, at least there's something to hold on to now!
Tjing -

Confused beyond reason

This waiting business is starting to get more than a little old! I'm having very confusing symptoms that I suppose could be either PMS or pregnancy. And since I've been heavily medicated with hormones I'm pretty sure I'll have to suffer through some otherwise unusual PMS symptoms.
I feel bloated and my temper is running wild. I'm nauseous and tired in the early evening. I have only had these symptoms when I was pregnant and then just briefly before it all went wrong.

Since I haven't had a bleeding since the MF/MC and my cycle was already taken out of play, I have no idea when to expect my period.
Just to be a little more sure, I took a test this morning that was negative, but to confuse matters even further, it could actually be to early for a test to tell either way. So now the waiting game has another wrinkle to it!

Not sure what to do next, I'd like to be proactive, but without making things more complicated or possibly destroying any progress already made.
I'm very easily annoyed and irritated, take things the wrong way, so needless to say I've been a b-tch not only at home, but also at work, I'm afraid. I'm short tempered to begin with, but this is ridiculous…

When I have a moment to myself, my mind wanders in unexpected ways, I think of some sad things, I look at simple things in a different light and appreciate the little things. When many things are outside of my control I get a little bit nasty and passive aggressive. I don't like being this way, but it happens every time life seem to spin a little faster than I can keep up.

I can surely say that I have little control of anything right now, at least nothing I care to have control over.

Well, this pity party is over - at least for tonight!
Tjing!

Felt a twinge

This morning on the bus ride to work I felt a little twinge in my right ovary. Could it possibly be my "bloody monster" making an announcement...
Hoping it is so. The other option is that we have gotten preggers all by ourselves, but in that case I don't hold out much hope that it will end well. My eggs are old, way old - especially considering the stock is more or less depleted - so what eggs do exist are of shady quality. Then again maybe I did have one golden egg left...
But this is highly unlikely and the best I can hope for is that my "Bloody Monster," as Circus Princess calls it, is finally on its way!

Until later -
Tjing

En bra länk

Ett avsnitt av flera program om ovanliga sätt att skaffa barn:

http://www.tv4play.se/aktualitet/efter_tio?videoId=1.1467687

Kolla på den första fjärdedelen! Den handlar om embryodonation, vilket INTE är samma sak som det vi går igenom. Men en del av problematiken är gemensam.
Läkaren från Karolinska är mycket bra, men kvinnan som gjort behandlingen är lite otydlig med hur jobbigt det är. Malou säger en klantig sak FLERA gånger och det är att den som adopterar embryot inte har någonting med embryot att göra. Visserligen lägger hon till genetiskt, men det låter så himlans fel. Ordvalet blir så förbaskat negativt!!!

Sorry guys, the link above is a clip from Swedish tv. I'm just mad about how the talkshow host is treating the subject matter! With a little disdain and a negative tone.
Maybe I'm extremely sensitive, but since Swedish law is behind most other countries in regards to fertility treatments, we need good press to sway the opinion towards allowing things like embryo adoption and surrogacy someday. And also to persuade more women to donate their eggs.

Well, time to get off my soapbox again!

Tjing -

Still nothing

Still waiting, and waiting for the "Bloody Monster" as my friend Circus Princess calls it! She has been lucky enough to be back on track, I'm still waiting...
Having a small hope that it may show this or next week. I think I ovulated last week, but can't really tell anymore. Since I had now idea when to look, I didn't test for it...
My body is all screwed up right now. My knee on which I have had extensive surgery is bothering me because of all the snow. Also, the ankle that I twisted or whatever this last summer is also acting up because of the snow, but that is compounded with the gym class I'm taking on Tuesdays now "Challenge" where there's a lot of jumping up and down.
The list does not end there, a few weeks ago I got what I thought would turn out to be a regular giant pimple above my nose right between the eyes, but it has never popped and now there's a pea-sized, round and hard bump under the skin.
All of these things are besides the annoying wait for my period...

An interesting read, I know! ;)

That's all for now!

Tjing -

Long time no time to write...

Some water has passed under the bridge since last entry. I ordered and got my new iMac delivered - when at work I long to go home and play with it. During the last days of holiday leave I got to play a lot with it, but since going back to work I have only had a few minutes at the time for play. :(

Have felt my SADs come back for a spell also, and I have to be really careful not to fall into the stupid, dark rabbit hole again.
It doesn't exactly help that we are having this void to go through while waiting for my period to come until we can begin planning our next attempt.

I think we are decided on starting over with a new donor, but still save our two Eskimos in the freezer for future use. Let's say I'm anxious to get things started. It was good for me on so many levels to have all those restrictions and rules for my everyday life.
Besides preparing for and then being pregnant, even for only a short time, that is!

I belong to this thread on a website about life and family, it is a support thread for women who's only resort for motherhood is egg donation. I have gotten a lot of support and information from the other women there, but lately it only makes me sad and stressed out because I'm still waiting for my period...
Would love to get cracking on everything...

Until later -
Tjing!

Tummy ache and changes

This morning I awoke to a sore lower back. I thought maybe I'd pulled something in my sleep or just slept funny. Now I'm thinking it may have been pms, cause now my stomach hurts, it's the churning, annoying kind…

I hope it is pms symptoms - it would be great to get things going right away to start planning for the new treatment opportunity. I think that would help getting me get on and not think about the miscarriage so much. While preparing for Christmas I sort of managed to put it on the backburner, but now that I'm going back to work after a long time off I'm starting to fret a little. Work is somehow associated with the treatment and being pregnant.

There are a lot of changes afoot at work too, changes I'm not sure I want to live with! Like extending our opening hours and adding on-call services for us…
The on-call thing I could probably deal with it's the opening an hour earlier than now - I think it is hard enough now!

I hope things look better when I get a little time and distance to it!

Tjing!

The new year is holding all my hopes and dreams

Having had a decent Christmas and New Year's celebration my focus has turned towards the future and I am anxiously awaiting my period.
I'm hoping it comes sooner rather than later so we can get started again. Since we only have two embryos in the freezer we are opting for another "fresh" try, in the hopes of getting enough embryos for the freezer to raise our chances for a successful defrosting for a third try or a sibling attempt.
First things first, I need my period to start to get things started…

I am not the only one carrying this hope of a successful year, besides Circus Princess, several of the women in my egg donation thread on familjeliv.se have recently had the same experience and we are coaching each other along. The women who have already succeeded getting pregnant through egg donation and are still active in the thread are helping us with good advice and the benefit of their experiences.

The reason for us having to resort to egg donation is that my own follicles are too few and the ones I do have are most likely of poor quality. The fertility clinic that did our investigation said that we are poor candidates for ivf with my eggs. I would most likely not respond much at all when triggered to produce more than one follicle at a time. They also said that we would have a better chance of getting pregnant naturally. So this last summer I went and had some acupuncture treatments to increase my chanses. All it did, as far as I could tell, was to elongate my cycle from 24 days to circa 30 - but only for the duration of the treatment. It skipped right back to 24 days after I stopped with the acupuncture.

I feel gilted, screwed by myself and by "destiny" for waiting too long, for staying with my ex-husband for eight years even though he proclaimed from the get-go that he was not interested in having any kids.
On the other hand I can not be sure that I would have met T, the love of my life any sooner, but then again we could have… who knows what the future holds!?

Well, I sure as h-ll don't know what the future will bring, but I'm keeping my fingers crossed for a baby or two!

Tjing!